Half a year later...anyone still read this?

So yes this year is a much slower posting year than last. So much has happened since my last post. I'm getting a divorce that's the biggie. Am I happy about it? No who's ever happy about their marriage failing. Am I relieved? Yeah kinda to be honest. I still love Gehnen I always will. It wasn't a lack of love that ended the marriage. We both still love each other and maybe that makes it harder because we do. We just...we just aren't fit to be married to each other any more. We didn't see eye to eye on some key things in our lives anymore. Maybe it stemmed from being together since we were 19. Nearly 10 years later and we just aren't the same people anymore. I don't think either of us are bad people just not who we used to be, not who we each fell in love with all those years ago. I still have every hope and faith that we will be able to remain friends for the rest of our lives but I think it will take some time before we can really enjoy the friendship of each other. Right now we are both going through a lot of hurt. Some things still hit each other a bit harder because of the love we have for each other.

So we are moving on. Things start to really change in the middle of June that's when he moves out of the house. I'll be in the house till about November. There's a chance some other things will change that will have me moving out before then but that's not 100% known just yet. But regardless I'm looking forward to some change. Though I don't like moving I do like change I like a fresh start a time to start over.

I'm actually dating again. Am talking to a couple of nice guys, yet again met online. It's different to date. I've not really expierenced it before. When Gehnen and I met it was states away. And we didn't date, we talked we enjoyed time with each other via the comp or the phone but nothing face to face really till I moved to Cali. Now I'm actually going on dates while I get to know these guys. It's a unusual and fun expierence. I'm enjoying getting to know each other face to face.

That's my update for now enjoy

A new year...again

It's a new year again, so what's that mean now? I don't know. I haven't figured it out yet. A hope of something better that's for sure but there is always that. A sense of longing for the past year and the disappointment that it wasn't as good as you had hoped. There's usually that too unfortunately.

So where am I know? Still in Missouri about to finish year 4 and start year 5 in March. Working at T-mobile still and praying that I've been doing well enough to get a good shift in Feb when they fuck us all around again and not go back to seeing my husband only on Sat & Sun. Happily getting to know my Bulldog better. Hoping it continues to work well. Hoping all my friendships grow stronger and not weaker.

Strangely I feel a small sense of longing for what I know is unhealthy for me but I miss what it was even if it wasn't real. Even if I had been lied to for years to make it something that I wanted at all. Perhaps the saying "ignorance is bliss" is true. I was happy at the time though I now know that it was largely fake. Would I want to go back to that? Sometimes. Put me back in the Matrix...nah. I think I like honesty too much. I'd rather know the truth that continue to be friends with someone who secretly can't stand me. Not fun, makes you question other things when you learn the truth about that though, at least for a time.

I'm looking forward to this year. Hoping that this one succeeds where past years have failed. Perhaps, and likely, it's myself that's failed in the past so perhaps this will be the year that I can succeed at what I want. Have my dreams come true...figure out exactly what my dreams are. Isn't that sometimes the hardest part? Deciding what you actually want out of life so you know what to go get? Does it ever just click? When it's the right decision does it make itself for you or is there always that time of self doubt. That part where you go, is this right or wrong? Am I going to be happy in the long run or am I just royally fucking myself over by taking the left path instead of the right? That, for me, is the worst part deciding which way to go when you get to a fork in the road. Left or right, I wish I had some binoculars so I could see down the path of each a bit, find out which one has more happy spots. It's not that I want to know it all I don't. I'm just scared shitless I'll bake the wrong decision and be unhappy in the long run for it.
Surely someone out there knows what I mean? I'm sure we've all been there before. Well it's a new year and a new chance for the right choices at a new path. I wish us all the best of luck.

Happy New Year.