Reflection aka found an old journal

So I was cleaning up my desk today I'll pause a moment to let you recover from the shock.....done? Ok.

So I was cleaning and I found my old journal. The one I started the day I moved into college. Damn was I stupid/young/silly/a twit. Makes me wonder though. I thought then that I was smarter than I was so does that mean in 8 years when I read these blogs or any journal entries I make now I'll realize exactly how unsmart I am now. My husband would probably say yes.

I know now that I'm not as smart as I thought I was then. Understand that? Good. I did grow a lot then and my journal shows it but it also shows me just how much growth I still had to go.

In some ways I've changed a bunch. I think I understand people a bit more. I know I understand myself much more. But at the same time I am still that 18/19 year old that is scared and confused and wishes she understood who she was better.

So with age do you ever start to understand yourself more or do you just realize that you'll never fully know even yourself and that's ok. To live your entire life learning who you are and what you want. Which is better to be sure of who you are, what you have, and where you are going for as long as possible. Or to discover yourself through your travels, experiences, life?

To everyone I hope you have a fantastic New Year. If you know who/what/and where or if you are still trying to figure it all out enjoy this next year. Live more, love more, laugh more, fuck more, cry more, enjoy more!

Me March 25 2005 / Me Now


13 Random Things You Like:
1. books /Family
2. web surfing /Books
3. Sims 2/ CoH
4. shopping /Shoes
5. shoes /surfing the web
6. nice clothes/ going out with friends
7. my phones/ decorating my house
8. Pringles /working in the yard
9. my digital phone /playing with my dog
10. my wedding dress/ snow
11. good food/ the Wii
12. GameCube/ work (cause it's not hell)
13. Cake (the band) /Cake (the band)

12 movies

1. Lord of the Rings (all three) /300
2. Rocky Horror Picture Show /Lord of the Rings (all three)
3. Lion King /Moulin Rouge
4. Nightmare Before Christmas /Harry Potter (all of 'em)
5. Moulin Rouge/ Narnia
6. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory/The Transporter
7. Pirates of the Caribbean /Pirates of the Caribbean
8. Pretty Woman/ Superman
9. Clueless/ Hackers
10. The Transporter /Clueless
11. Hackers /Sweet Home Alabama
12. True Lies /Matrix

11 Bands/Artists

1. Cake/ Cake
2. Korn /Red Hot Chili Peppers
3. Red Hot Chili Peppers/ Enya
4. Bif Naked /Bif Naked
5. Enya /Dresdin Dolls
6. Daft Punk/ Christina Aguilera (her newest Album)
7. Tenacious D /Daft Punk
8. Black Eyed Peas /Evanescence
9. Garbage /Kelly Clarkson
10. Aphex Twin /Alanis Morissette
11. Cake (yes I know they made the list twice I really like them) <---ditto

10 things about me physically

1. 5 foot 4 inches/5'4"
2. glasses/ greenish hazel eyes
3. hazel green eyes /Big Smile
4. big smile /50 lbs lighter
5. naturally brown hair /long nails
6. currently red hair/ calloused heels
7. 2 tattoos /shoulder length hair
8. 2 piercings each ear /2 tattoos
9. stronger than they look arms /pouty bottom lip
10. pouty bottom lip /wearing green eyeshadow

9 good friends (in no particular order)

1. Spencer /Spencer
2. Norma/ Norma
3. Rachael /Angie
4. Angie /Theresa
5. Theresa /Rhonda
6. Kyle/ Greg
7. Joseph /Russ
8. David/ Kyle
9. Terri /my mom

8 Food/Drinks

1. Pho/ Indian
2. Sausage pizza /Sausage Pizza
3. Curry lamb/ vanilla shake
4. Strawberry Daiquirie/ Pho
5. Vanilla shake/ baked chicken
6. Parmesan chicken /Norma style steak
7. Garlic bread /Nachos
8. Chicken flautas /BBQ

7 People I've kissed

1. Spencer/ Spencer
2. Richard /Greg
3. Aaron/ Richard
4. Henry /Henry
5. Rickey /Norma
6. Jason/ Jason
7. that guy in college who's name I can't remember /Aaron

6 things that annoy me

1. lying /Lack of space
2. people who think they are always right/hypocrites
3. when people can't be original/ Gorge W. Bush
4. our president /inability to change and grow
5. ignorance /misunderstandings
6. *shrug*/ lying

5 things I touch every day

1. my keyboard/ Lacey
2. Spencer /my purse
3. my glasses/ my car
4. my cell phone /my rings
5. my hair /my phone

4 shows I like

1. Futureama/ Futureama
2. Family Guy/ America's Next Top Model
3. Gilmore Girls /Top Chef
4. What Not To Wear BBC /version Family Guy

3 things I wear every day

1. my engagement ring/ my rings
2. my glasses/ my contacts
3. my underwear/ shoes

2 Celebrities I have a crush on

1. Vin Diseal /Johnny Depp
2. Viggo Mortesen /Viggo Mortesen

1 person I love

1. Spencer/ Spencer

So what if it's been forever

I doubt anyone reads this anymore so this is more of a therapeutic post than anything else. I'm trying to make myself a better person. I know for nearly two full years I was pretty much a shithead all around. I ignored my family reverted to worse than I was in college as far as attitude goes. And for that, I'm sorry. However I'm working on it I truly am. I want to be better. Now you don't have to believe it only time will tell how serious I am and how hard I'm willing to work but it's definitely been at the fore front of my head most of the time. (hey I don't think about anything all the time).

I'm working on how I say things...not only in words but in tone. I have a problem of saying something which I mean to be a joke but in a way that people aren't sure if I'm serious or not. And I also tend to sound defensive and angry which though I may be those things at the time, it doesn't help a discussion any to have every word coming out of my mouth expressing that. So I'm trying to work on it. Again it's in the fore front of my mind. Especially if I know I'm about to start a conversation that I know will have a confrontational nature.
One thing that sucks though is when my "tone" is thrown at me in a conversation in which I'm pretty sure I've been doing my best to control it. I won't say it's perfect, after all I just started really working on it but I know it's better than what it could have been. I'm not asking for praise just don't throw it out there cause you know it can bother me.

Another thing I'm working on is telling people what's bothering me when it bothers me instead of hours/days/weeks later. Sitting on it and resenting it will only make the problem worse. Trust me I've experienced it first hand. I'm not saying there won't be an argument or hurt feelings but it's better for it all to happen when the thing happens than later cause it only builds and makes it worse. And a 10 minute conversation can turn into a day long fight, hurt feelings, and a bad nights sleep.

Working in the lawn is therapeutic mainly because it's some of the only time I have to myself. It's a shame it's taken me so long to realize just how much of a haven my very own back yard can be when I'm having a bad day.





So did you go to your computer to read what I wrote tonight?

The last monthish

So life has been pretty dull since we got power back. I'm not really complaining. At least we have power. A quick run down.
--Got in a fender bender (not my fault) get to have a rental car while mine is repaired for free, at least something cool came from being rear-ended.
--Had a video game party I lost to Barrett. And was told I can't cuss in my own house by a co-worker of S's. He's never coming back to our house again.
--Neri had a b-day. We ate at McD's. Came back and played with our new Wii. Go Nintendo!!
--Work still sucks on a near daily basis.
--I applied to 4 different positions at Cox Health hopefully one of them will produce something.
--Went to the Chili cook-off with Angie, got there so late that about 80% of the booths were out of chili already (thanks work).
--Decided to go downtown afterwards (since we were technically already there) and look around in some of the shops. Found a wonderful chair/table set where I could curl up with a good book. Only need space and $700 so I can get it. (yes it's actually worth the money)
--Went to the Mud House and had some wonderful hot tea. Decided to make a monthly date with Angie to go downtown. Tea is good and cheap can do it no matter what the financial situation is. (3 bucks got me two mugs of tea and a cookie).
--Went out to dinner with Barrett last nite to pay up on the bet that I would beat him at Soul Caliber III.
--Really wanted to go out last nite but everyone had plans or was to tired so ended up going to bed around 11:30.
--Going to see Urintown this afternoon with Kyle, it's the one Angie's been working on.
--Back to hell tomorrow for President's day week, oh the joy of it all *sigh*
--Desperately looking forward to the end of March when I'll take a vacation to visit with TC while she's here.

12 Days

Twelve days without power. Yes my household was without power for 12 days. The result of the worst winter weather storm that anyone in Springfield can currently remember. The last big storm (like 10-15 years ago) had 55% of the city without power at the most. This storm..oh no not that small. Try 75% of the city without power at some point in time or another. Ours went out on the Friday the storm hit that would be the 12th of January. It's now the 25th and we got our power back yesterday.

We stayed warm because we bought blankets but largely due to the fact that my wonderful father-in-law sent us some money so that we could buy a small propane heater that stayed in the living room. We all huddled in there to give comfort, support, and a little extra body heat.

One thing about a storm like this and no power is that you find out more about who people are. Who bands together to help out and who secludes themselves. In a time when you need to band together most, it's sad to see seperation happening. To see people seperate themselves from the group and taking away the comfort, support, and yes that little extra body heat.

There were and still are many people in the city who feel that the city workers have been lax on the job and that they aren't working fast enough to get people back with power. I hated being without power. It was a sucky experience there's no denying it. But I saw city workers out there. I saw them up on lifts and working hard. When 75% of the town is without power there just isn't a way for you to expect to have the whole city up and working again in a matter of a couple of days. Could things have been done differently, yeah probably, but the people who were getting the brunt of the frustration, anger, and even threats, were the ones doing the most work. They were the city workers out there on the streets every day and the wonderful people on the phone at City Utilities answering EVERY call that came through complaining about the lack of electricity. Yes you are without power, we were without power, but the person answering the phone...those wearing the hard hats and putting the wires back together to bring our city back to life...THEY AREN'T AT FAULT!!!!

Yeah so this was somewhat of a vent post...don't like it? Get the hell off my blog.

To family and friends love and miss you, glad you weren't here :) Hope to see everyone soonish.