So what if it's been forever

I doubt anyone reads this anymore so this is more of a therapeutic post than anything else. I'm trying to make myself a better person. I know for nearly two full years I was pretty much a shithead all around. I ignored my family reverted to worse than I was in college as far as attitude goes. And for that, I'm sorry. However I'm working on it I truly am. I want to be better. Now you don't have to believe it only time will tell how serious I am and how hard I'm willing to work but it's definitely been at the fore front of my head most of the time. (hey I don't think about anything all the time).

I'm working on how I say things...not only in words but in tone. I have a problem of saying something which I mean to be a joke but in a way that people aren't sure if I'm serious or not. And I also tend to sound defensive and angry which though I may be those things at the time, it doesn't help a discussion any to have every word coming out of my mouth expressing that. So I'm trying to work on it. Again it's in the fore front of my mind. Especially if I know I'm about to start a conversation that I know will have a confrontational nature.
One thing that sucks though is when my "tone" is thrown at me in a conversation in which I'm pretty sure I've been doing my best to control it. I won't say it's perfect, after all I just started really working on it but I know it's better than what it could have been. I'm not asking for praise just don't throw it out there cause you know it can bother me.

Another thing I'm working on is telling people what's bothering me when it bothers me instead of hours/days/weeks later. Sitting on it and resenting it will only make the problem worse. Trust me I've experienced it first hand. I'm not saying there won't be an argument or hurt feelings but it's better for it all to happen when the thing happens than later cause it only builds and makes it worse. And a 10 minute conversation can turn into a day long fight, hurt feelings, and a bad nights sleep.

Working in the lawn is therapeutic mainly because it's some of the only time I have to myself. It's a shame it's taken me so long to realize just how much of a haven my very own back yard can be when I'm having a bad day.





So did you go to your computer to read what I wrote tonight?