bummer realizations

So I quit my job a couple of weeks ago. Looking for another one, had an interview didn't get it. But that's not what this post is about.
What it is about is that I am pretty sure I'll never see Fredrick again. Which is sad. I knew even at the time that I likely was hoping for more than would ever actually happen but what your brain says logically and your heart hopes for are quite often two different things.

I thought I would write more but this is all I want to write.

No good deed goes unpunished

So I was going to pickup lunch for my boss because I have the freedom to leave before the lunch rush starts around here and he only has a 30 min lunch break. On the way to grab it I saw Fredrick walking home. He had been sent home because he was sick. So I offered to give him a ride home which he took me up on.

After I dropped him off I was on my way back to the office when the car in front of me slowed down because the car in front of him was turning. The truck behind me was going too fast or just didn't notice I had slowed down. Either way I glance up into my rear view mirror and see the look of terror on his face as he realizes he's going to hit me. And he hits me hard.

Bent my bumper and my license plate. And my truck is probably about a quarter of an inch higher than it should be. I was feeling fine at first and then started to get a headache while waiting for the police. They had to be called because he was in a company pickup truck and they have to have a police report filed.

So that took an hour or so for the cop to show up and do all his paperwork. So the accident happened around 11:30 and now 2ish hours later my back is really starting to hurt. My headache hasn't gone away despite the fact that I took 2 Excedrin as soon as I got back into the office. So as soon as I leave work it's off to Urgent care I go.

And so you see...no good deed goes unpunished.

Reliving Highschool?

The Demon keeps saying I'm reliving high school with all the drama that I have going on. Only thing is I never had this much drama while I was in high school. So she says that I'm making up for it. But the thing is I'd really rather not. It's not like the drama is fun. Some of the things that CAUSE the drama are, I'll admit, fun but the drama itself not so much. The craziness going on in my head where I know what I think/feel/want is wrong but my heart doesn't seem to want to pay attention.

Fredrick has recently admitted to me that he cares a great deal for me. Yes yes I know he's still with his bitch of a girl. And yes I know I should put a screeching halt to this on both his side and mine and yet I don't. Why not? Because a part of me hopes that he will realize just how bad the bitch is for him and he'll leave her. And if he does I'll get to date him. I realize this is a completely selfish thing to want. So I guess that's where the high school part comes in. I like a guy who's with another girl and he likes me back and right now it's going no where.

I know that many people won't like or understand this part of my life. But I don't want to go into all the details. I'm starting to get used to people placing judgment on me for how my husband and I chose to live our lives. Again for anyone who is worried I have no desire to steal anyone away from someone they care about. I'm just waiting for it to happen so I can get what I so selfishly want.

So there is this guy...

There is this guy that I like quite a bit. (who whenever mentioned from here on out will be Fredrick) He's sweet and caring. He makes me laugh. He listens when I need to vent and has even seen me cry though I've tried to hide it from him. I get excited simply by him touching my elbow to get my attention. I can get lost in his eyes at times. He's a good friend and I wish there could be more. The only problem is he has a psychotic bitch of a girl.

This girl is insanely jealous and would never consent to sharing him with me. Even though I have no desire to steal him from her. And while I realize that my lifestyle isn't for everyone this woman won't even let him have female friends. And before anyone thinks I'm a hussy I am not the type of woman to steal a guy from someone he's committed to. He really does deserve better than her.

It's hard to have feelings for someone you can't be with. And it's hard when you didn't even set out to have feelings for them. You were just friends and the more you talked the more you found you liked each other and the more it sucked that you couldn't be with the other. I know I need to stop having feelings for this guy but I don't want to stop being his friend and the more I get to know him the more I like him.

The worst part about all of this is again the girl. He would be completely fine being the "other" man. He knows I'm married and plan to stay that way. He knows he'd have to share me with my husband and he's cool with that. It's hard to find a guy willing to be that person in a relationship. And here I find one, and a nice sweet one at that, and he's taken...by a CRAZY woman. Goddess I just wish they'd split up already. Hell even if he and I were never anything more than friends he needs to leave her.



I realize this is mostly just rambling but it's easier and quicker for me to type than write so this is kinda like a journal entry for me that I tried to write so that it could make some kind of sense to anyone else reading it.