bummer realizations

So I quit my job a couple of weeks ago. Looking for another one, had an interview didn't get it. But that's not what this post is about.
What it is about is that I am pretty sure I'll never see Fredrick again. Which is sad. I knew even at the time that I likely was hoping for more than would ever actually happen but what your brain says logically and your heart hopes for are quite often two different things.

I thought I would write more but this is all I want to write.

Why do we care?

Why do we care what others think of us? What is the purpose of it? It serves to make us feel bad or insecure or worried. Others judge us and it can do damage to our self esteem. If you are happy with you then be happy. Don't worry about what others think. Don't spend your life hiding who you really are because someone somewhere may not approve.

I'm not sure exactly who said this and I'm not exactly sure if it was worded this way. But the general idea I like.

The people that are worth it won't care and those that care aren't worth it.

The people in your life that choose to dislike you over something that is inherently you just aren't worth it. The people who choose to judge you and make assumptions of you because of rumors and hearsay aren't worth it. The people who are worth it are those that know you to the core and love and accept you for exactly who you are and actually KNOW who you are instead of thinking they know anything about you.

I have a lifestyle that not all understand or approve of. Some think that because I live this way I will attempt to steal someone away from their SO. It's just not the case no matter how much I care for someone I would never attempt to steal them. If they came willingly well that's another story. :D My dad cheated on my mom for a great many years and saw nothing wrong with it. He put my mom's health at risk and it's just not something I have the desire to do. I don't want to be the "other woman" to any man.

But regardless of what I say or how I say it some people will always assume that because of my lifestyle I'm a man stealer or want to be and you know what I just don't give a flying monkeys ass what they think. I did. But it's something I've had to start dealing with within myself. Why do I care what good is it for me to worry about what someone else thinks of me. They certainly aren't my friends so what does it matter? And in the end I realized it doesn't. So to those that think poorly of me and don't know me well kiss it because I am just not going to let it bother me anymore.

Thanks and have a great day!

Reliving Highschool?

The Demon keeps saying I'm reliving high school with all the drama that I have going on. Only thing is I never had this much drama while I was in high school. So she says that I'm making up for it. But the thing is I'd really rather not. It's not like the drama is fun. Some of the things that CAUSE the drama are, I'll admit, fun but the drama itself not so much. The craziness going on in my head where I know what I think/feel/want is wrong but my heart doesn't seem to want to pay attention.

Fredrick has recently admitted to me that he cares a great deal for me. Yes yes I know he's still with his bitch of a girl. And yes I know I should put a screeching halt to this on both his side and mine and yet I don't. Why not? Because a part of me hopes that he will realize just how bad the bitch is for him and he'll leave her. And if he does I'll get to date him. I realize this is a completely selfish thing to want. So I guess that's where the high school part comes in. I like a guy who's with another girl and he likes me back and right now it's going no where.

I know that many people won't like or understand this part of my life. But I don't want to go into all the details. I'm starting to get used to people placing judgment on me for how my husband and I chose to live our lives. Again for anyone who is worried I have no desire to steal anyone away from someone they care about. I'm just waiting for it to happen so I can get what I so selfishly want.

So there is this guy...

There is this guy that I like quite a bit. (who whenever mentioned from here on out will be Fredrick) He's sweet and caring. He makes me laugh. He listens when I need to vent and has even seen me cry though I've tried to hide it from him. I get excited simply by him touching my elbow to get my attention. I can get lost in his eyes at times. He's a good friend and I wish there could be more. The only problem is he has a psychotic bitch of a girl.

This girl is insanely jealous and would never consent to sharing him with me. Even though I have no desire to steal him from her. And while I realize that my lifestyle isn't for everyone this woman won't even let him have female friends. And before anyone thinks I'm a hussy I am not the type of woman to steal a guy from someone he's committed to. He really does deserve better than her.

It's hard to have feelings for someone you can't be with. And it's hard when you didn't even set out to have feelings for them. You were just friends and the more you talked the more you found you liked each other and the more it sucked that you couldn't be with the other. I know I need to stop having feelings for this guy but I don't want to stop being his friend and the more I get to know him the more I like him.

The worst part about all of this is again the girl. He would be completely fine being the "other" man. He knows I'm married and plan to stay that way. He knows he'd have to share me with my husband and he's cool with that. It's hard to find a guy willing to be that person in a relationship. And here I find one, and a nice sweet one at that, and he's taken...by a CRAZY woman. Goddess I just wish they'd split up already. Hell even if he and I were never anything more than friends he needs to leave her.



I realize this is mostly just rambling but it's easier and quicker for me to type than write so this is kinda like a journal entry for me that I tried to write so that it could make some kind of sense to anyone else reading it.