Reflection aka found an old journal

So I was cleaning up my desk today I'll pause a moment to let you recover from the shock.....done? Ok.

So I was cleaning and I found my old journal. The one I started the day I moved into college. Damn was I stupid/young/silly/a twit. Makes me wonder though. I thought then that I was smarter than I was so does that mean in 8 years when I read these blogs or any journal entries I make now I'll realize exactly how unsmart I am now. My husband would probably say yes.

I know now that I'm not as smart as I thought I was then. Understand that? Good. I did grow a lot then and my journal shows it but it also shows me just how much growth I still had to go.

In some ways I've changed a bunch. I think I understand people a bit more. I know I understand myself much more. But at the same time I am still that 18/19 year old that is scared and confused and wishes she understood who she was better.

So with age do you ever start to understand yourself more or do you just realize that you'll never fully know even yourself and that's ok. To live your entire life learning who you are and what you want. Which is better to be sure of who you are, what you have, and where you are going for as long as possible. Or to discover yourself through your travels, experiences, life?

To everyone I hope you have a fantastic New Year. If you know who/what/and where or if you are still trying to figure it all out enjoy this next year. Live more, love more, laugh more, fuck more, cry more, enjoy more!

Me March 25 2005 / Me Now


13 Random Things You Like:
1. books /Family
2. web surfing /Books
3. Sims 2/ CoH
4. shopping /Shoes
5. shoes /surfing the web
6. nice clothes/ going out with friends
7. my phones/ decorating my house
8. Pringles /working in the yard
9. my digital phone /playing with my dog
10. my wedding dress/ snow
11. good food/ the Wii
12. GameCube/ work (cause it's not hell)
13. Cake (the band) /Cake (the band)

12 movies

1. Lord of the Rings (all three) /300
2. Rocky Horror Picture Show /Lord of the Rings (all three)
3. Lion King /Moulin Rouge
4. Nightmare Before Christmas /Harry Potter (all of 'em)
5. Moulin Rouge/ Narnia
6. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory/The Transporter
7. Pirates of the Caribbean /Pirates of the Caribbean
8. Pretty Woman/ Superman
9. Clueless/ Hackers
10. The Transporter /Clueless
11. Hackers /Sweet Home Alabama
12. True Lies /Matrix

11 Bands/Artists

1. Cake/ Cake
2. Korn /Red Hot Chili Peppers
3. Red Hot Chili Peppers/ Enya
4. Bif Naked /Bif Naked
5. Enya /Dresdin Dolls
6. Daft Punk/ Christina Aguilera (her newest Album)
7. Tenacious D /Daft Punk
8. Black Eyed Peas /Evanescence
9. Garbage /Kelly Clarkson
10. Aphex Twin /Alanis Morissette
11. Cake (yes I know they made the list twice I really like them) <---ditto

10 things about me physically

1. 5 foot 4 inches/5'4"
2. glasses/ greenish hazel eyes
3. hazel green eyes /Big Smile
4. big smile /50 lbs lighter
5. naturally brown hair /long nails
6. currently red hair/ calloused heels
7. 2 tattoos /shoulder length hair
8. 2 piercings each ear /2 tattoos
9. stronger than they look arms /pouty bottom lip
10. pouty bottom lip /wearing green eyeshadow

9 good friends (in no particular order)

1. Spencer /Spencer
2. Norma/ Norma
3. Rachael /Angie
4. Angie /Theresa
5. Theresa /Rhonda
6. Kyle/ Greg
7. Joseph /Russ
8. David/ Kyle
9. Terri /my mom

8 Food/Drinks

1. Pho/ Indian
2. Sausage pizza /Sausage Pizza
3. Curry lamb/ vanilla shake
4. Strawberry Daiquirie/ Pho
5. Vanilla shake/ baked chicken
6. Parmesan chicken /Norma style steak
7. Garlic bread /Nachos
8. Chicken flautas /BBQ

7 People I've kissed

1. Spencer/ Spencer
2. Richard /Greg
3. Aaron/ Richard
4. Henry /Henry
5. Rickey /Norma
6. Jason/ Jason
7. that guy in college who's name I can't remember /Aaron

6 things that annoy me

1. lying /Lack of space
2. people who think they are always right/hypocrites
3. when people can't be original/ Gorge W. Bush
4. our president /inability to change and grow
5. ignorance /misunderstandings
6. *shrug*/ lying

5 things I touch every day

1. my keyboard/ Lacey
2. Spencer /my purse
3. my glasses/ my car
4. my cell phone /my rings
5. my hair /my phone

4 shows I like

1. Futureama/ Futureama
2. Family Guy/ America's Next Top Model
3. Gilmore Girls /Top Chef
4. What Not To Wear BBC /version Family Guy

3 things I wear every day

1. my engagement ring/ my rings
2. my glasses/ my contacts
3. my underwear/ shoes

2 Celebrities I have a crush on

1. Vin Diseal /Johnny Depp
2. Viggo Mortesen /Viggo Mortesen

1 person I love

1. Spencer/ Spencer

So what if it's been forever

I doubt anyone reads this anymore so this is more of a therapeutic post than anything else. I'm trying to make myself a better person. I know for nearly two full years I was pretty much a shithead all around. I ignored my family reverted to worse than I was in college as far as attitude goes. And for that, I'm sorry. However I'm working on it I truly am. I want to be better. Now you don't have to believe it only time will tell how serious I am and how hard I'm willing to work but it's definitely been at the fore front of my head most of the time. (hey I don't think about anything all the time).

I'm working on how I say things...not only in words but in tone. I have a problem of saying something which I mean to be a joke but in a way that people aren't sure if I'm serious or not. And I also tend to sound defensive and angry which though I may be those things at the time, it doesn't help a discussion any to have every word coming out of my mouth expressing that. So I'm trying to work on it. Again it's in the fore front of my mind. Especially if I know I'm about to start a conversation that I know will have a confrontational nature.
One thing that sucks though is when my "tone" is thrown at me in a conversation in which I'm pretty sure I've been doing my best to control it. I won't say it's perfect, after all I just started really working on it but I know it's better than what it could have been. I'm not asking for praise just don't throw it out there cause you know it can bother me.

Another thing I'm working on is telling people what's bothering me when it bothers me instead of hours/days/weeks later. Sitting on it and resenting it will only make the problem worse. Trust me I've experienced it first hand. I'm not saying there won't be an argument or hurt feelings but it's better for it all to happen when the thing happens than later cause it only builds and makes it worse. And a 10 minute conversation can turn into a day long fight, hurt feelings, and a bad nights sleep.

Working in the lawn is therapeutic mainly because it's some of the only time I have to myself. It's a shame it's taken me so long to realize just how much of a haven my very own back yard can be when I'm having a bad day.





So did you go to your computer to read what I wrote tonight?

The last monthish

So life has been pretty dull since we got power back. I'm not really complaining. At least we have power. A quick run down.
--Got in a fender bender (not my fault) get to have a rental car while mine is repaired for free, at least something cool came from being rear-ended.
--Had a video game party I lost to Barrett. And was told I can't cuss in my own house by a co-worker of S's. He's never coming back to our house again.
--Neri had a b-day. We ate at McD's. Came back and played with our new Wii. Go Nintendo!!
--Work still sucks on a near daily basis.
--I applied to 4 different positions at Cox Health hopefully one of them will produce something.
--Went to the Chili cook-off with Angie, got there so late that about 80% of the booths were out of chili already (thanks work).
--Decided to go downtown afterwards (since we were technically already there) and look around in some of the shops. Found a wonderful chair/table set where I could curl up with a good book. Only need space and $700 so I can get it. (yes it's actually worth the money)
--Went to the Mud House and had some wonderful hot tea. Decided to make a monthly date with Angie to go downtown. Tea is good and cheap can do it no matter what the financial situation is. (3 bucks got me two mugs of tea and a cookie).
--Went out to dinner with Barrett last nite to pay up on the bet that I would beat him at Soul Caliber III.
--Really wanted to go out last nite but everyone had plans or was to tired so ended up going to bed around 11:30.
--Going to see Urintown this afternoon with Kyle, it's the one Angie's been working on.
--Back to hell tomorrow for President's day week, oh the joy of it all *sigh*
--Desperately looking forward to the end of March when I'll take a vacation to visit with TC while she's here.

12 Days

Twelve days without power. Yes my household was without power for 12 days. The result of the worst winter weather storm that anyone in Springfield can currently remember. The last big storm (like 10-15 years ago) had 55% of the city without power at the most. This storm..oh no not that small. Try 75% of the city without power at some point in time or another. Ours went out on the Friday the storm hit that would be the 12th of January. It's now the 25th and we got our power back yesterday.

We stayed warm because we bought blankets but largely due to the fact that my wonderful father-in-law sent us some money so that we could buy a small propane heater that stayed in the living room. We all huddled in there to give comfort, support, and a little extra body heat.

One thing about a storm like this and no power is that you find out more about who people are. Who bands together to help out and who secludes themselves. In a time when you need to band together most, it's sad to see seperation happening. To see people seperate themselves from the group and taking away the comfort, support, and yes that little extra body heat.

There were and still are many people in the city who feel that the city workers have been lax on the job and that they aren't working fast enough to get people back with power. I hated being without power. It was a sucky experience there's no denying it. But I saw city workers out there. I saw them up on lifts and working hard. When 75% of the town is without power there just isn't a way for you to expect to have the whole city up and working again in a matter of a couple of days. Could things have been done differently, yeah probably, but the people who were getting the brunt of the frustration, anger, and even threats, were the ones doing the most work. They were the city workers out there on the streets every day and the wonderful people on the phone at City Utilities answering EVERY call that came through complaining about the lack of electricity. Yes you are without power, we were without power, but the person answering the phone...those wearing the hard hats and putting the wires back together to bring our city back to life...THEY AREN'T AT FAULT!!!!

Yeah so this was somewhat of a vent post...don't like it? Get the hell off my blog.

To family and friends love and miss you, glad you weren't here :) Hope to see everyone soonish.

Best Christmas Gift Ever

This made me tear up. This is one of the nicest sweetest things to hear about so close to the holidays. What a wonderful thing to do. Definatly something I want to do once I have the money that I can share the holidays like that.

Snow

Snow fall I have discovered is a wonderful thing. I have always loved snow. I've always wanted to live somewhere that gets snow in the winter. Now I do.

If you want quiet go outside at night surrounded by fresh snow. I took the puppies out tonight to let them play. I didn't even realize what I wanted was quiet but I did. I found it so wonderfully quiet. The entire world is covered in natures own sound proof blanket. Cars aren't as loud. Even the dogs aren't as loud when they bark.

Going out there and being wrapped in that wonderful quiet was FABULOUS! In a house with 5 people quiet is a rare and beautiful thing to come by.

It's so hard to find the words I want to describe the feeling I had out there. My heart felt so much lighter. I felt elaited. I want to move my bedroom into my backyard.

Not only did the quiet sound beautiful, but every now and then the wind would blow and the trees covered in ice would sway and the creaking sounded like crystal.

The dogs were also lightening to my heart. They love the snow and to watch them run around exploring it was great. I would pick up some ice/snow and show it to Lacey who would run over and taste it then run off again. I'd pick up more and do the same thing over again. She made me laugh so much. Then right before we came in she had dug up a clump of snow/ice and I found it. It was in the rough shape of a kong so I picked it up and had her sit for it. I tossed it up for her to catch and she did quickly destroying the ball as she bit into it. She looked around all over the ground trying to find it. It was so funny.

The cold outside made my nose pink but it was worth it for the 20 minutes of blessed silence I received.

My kind of protest

orgasm for peace

Summation of this artical is that a couple in California wants everyone to protest the war...not by going out and walking the streets or even having a sit in but by staying home on December 22 and having the entire world have an orgasam at the same time. The thought behind it all is that one is the most at peace just after an orgasam when the mind is clear.
Intresting views for sure but not really the best way to show your protest. Millions of people will be home and hundreds of thousands could have an orgasam but who's to know why they are or if they are?
I'm all for protesting the war we are not so willingly involved in but that is just not the best way to show it in my opinion.

Thoughts?

What would you do different?

I was talking to a friend recently, ok so recently that we are still chatting on IM, about high school. We talked about the fact that I had a crush on him in Highschool and he honestly didn't know. He said he had even thought about it back then but never acted on it. So odd to think that two people liked each other but were both to scared of the other persons reaction to act on it.

Even knowing that now I don't think I'd change a thing about HS simply because all those things helped shape me into who I am today. And if I wasn't me I don't think I would have ended up with my husband whom I love and adore and at this point can't imagine life without him and really don't want to.

Would you change something different? Is there something so bad that changed you in such a way that if you had that golden change to go back and redo it you would? I just can't see that for me. I can't change who I was because doing that would change who I am and I'm happy. I'm truely happy with my life. Sure there are things I don't like, hell life will never be perfect but who the fuck cares. It's not about perfection just about enjoying who you are and where you are while you are there.


One thing I know for sure. I can't wait to go back to my HS reunion and just throw it in some bitches faces just how happy I am even though they tormented me in HS. Though I doubt they'll remember me. They never remember those they torment in the years past and yet those that are tormented never forget it.

Captain Jack Sparrow

This is just one of the many reasons I'm the luckiest woman in the world.

Paris Syndrome

"PARIS - Around a dozen Japanese tourists a year need psychological treatment after visiting Paris as the reality of unfriendly locals and scruffy streets clashes with their expectations, a newspaper reported on Sunday."
Full Story Here

Ok so how can anyone seriously be so deliusioned by what they've read and seen that they truely believe that a city and it's residents will be perfect? There is no where in the world that I would expect to not have some kind of down side. I'll admit I picture Paris being glamorious and I'm sure parts are, however I don't expect the entire city to be such. I'm not that dense.

Comments?

Lacey

My own little Princess Lacey, her "brother" was Darth Vee

A new year

So this is a bit early but close enough. Another year older. A week and two days away from my first wedding anniversary. It's been a very LONG year. Stressful, full of changes. Getting used to being a home owner and having to take care of all the problems that come along with it. Getting used to being a wife and all the problems that come along with that. Anyone who says the first year is the easiest is full of shit. It's not the honeymoon year. It's the hard one. But we made it and I think, I hope, we will have a stronger marriage for it. One thing for sure I know without a showdow of a doubt I love my husband with everything that I am.

This year also brought my brother-in-law and sister-in-law into my home. I love them both very much. And I am glad they are part of my family. It's been stressful for us and them to have them living here. But I hope that things will improve now that we've gotten our concerns more out in the open. It's hard having 5 grown people living in a house as small as ours. Everyone has a limited amount of personal space and those that are married have even less because Neri is the only one lucky enough to have her own room (bitch ;) ). But we will make do because we are family and we love each other even when we don't always like each other.

well it's getting late and I think I'm going to go for now.

AFI's 100 Years 100 Movies

This is the list Neri, Gehnen and I went though a few nights. I've seen about 15 of these movies, Gehnen saw I think he said 50-something, and Neri saw 77 (bitch) so I'm gonna go down the list (maybe not in order) and try and watch most if not all.

The list

1. Citizen Kane (1941)
2. Casablanca (1942)
3. The Godfather (1972)
4. Gone with the Wind (1939)
5. Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
6. The Wizard of Oz (1939)
7. The Graduate (1967)
8. On the Waterfront (1954)
9. Schindler's List (1993)
10. Singin' in the Rain (1952)
11. It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
12. Sunset Boulevard (1950)
13. The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)
14. Some Like It Hot (1959)
15. Star Wars (1977)
16. All About Eve (1950)
17. The African Queen (1951)
18. Psycho (1960)
19. Chinatown (1974)
20. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)
21. The Grapes of Wrath (1940)
22. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
23. The Maltese Falcon (1941)
24. Raging Bull (1980)
25. E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
26. Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
27. Bonnie and Clyde (1967)
28. Apocalypse Now (1979)
29. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)
30. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948)
31. Annie Hall (1977)
32. The Godfather Part II (1974)
33. High Noon (1952)
34. To Kill A Mockingbird (1962)
35. It Happened One Night (1934)
36. Midnight Cowboy (1969)
37. The Best Years of Our Lives (1946)
38. Double Indemnity (1944)
39. Doctor Zhivago (1965)
40. North by Northwest (1959)
41. West Side Story (1961)
42. Rear Window (1954)
43. King Kong (1933)
44. The Birth of a Nation (1915)
45. A Streetcar Named Desire (1951)
46. A Clockwork Orange (1971)
47. Taxi Driver (1976)
48. Jaws (1975)
49. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)
50. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)
51. The Philadelphia Story (1940)
52. From Here to Eternity (1953)
53. Amadeus (1984)
54. All Quiet on the Western Front (1930)
55. The Sound of Music (1965)
56. M*A*S*H (1970)
57. The Third Man (1949)
58. Fantasia (1940)
59. Rebel Without a Cause (1955)
60. Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
61. Vertigo (1958)
62. Tootsie (1982)
63. Stagecoach (1939)
64. Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977)
65. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
66. Network (1976)
67. The Manchurian Candidate (1962)
68. An American in Paris (1951)
69. Shane (1953)
70. The French Connection (1971)
71. Forrest Gump (1994)
72. Ben-Hur (1959)
73. Wuthering Heights (1939)
74. The Gold Rush (1925)
75. Dances with Wolves (1990)
76. City Lights (1931)
77. American Graffiti (1973)
78. Rocky (1976)
79. The Deer Hunter (1978)
80. The Wild Bunch (1969)
81. Modern Times (1936)
82. Giant (1956)
83. Platoon (1986)
84. Fargo (1996)
85. Duck Soup (1933)
86. Mutiny on the Bounty (1935)
87. Frankenstein (1931)
88. Easy Rider (1969)
89. Patton (1970)
90. The Jazz Singer (1927)
91. My Fair Lady (1964)
92. A Place in the Sun (1951)
93. The Apartment (1960)
94. Goodfellas (1990)
95. Pulp Fiction (1994)
96. The Searchers (1956)
97. Bringing up Baby (1938)
98. Unforgiven (1992)
99. Guess Who's Coming to Dinner (1967)
100. Yankee Doodle Dandy (1942)

Neri making fun of me.

Wedding Toes

For my soon to be sister-in-law

Stop bitching! I posted! *wink*

So life...well my brother-in-law and his fiance are moving into my house at the end of this month. I'm excited as well as nervous. We will have five people living in our relatively small house when you think about that many grown adults living here. Last time I lived with this many people the house was much bigger. We have also inheraited (sp? so sue me) an additional dog and 3 cats. And then my current roommate got a puppy herself. So house hold total? 5 adults, 3 dogs (2 currently puppies) and 5 cats. No one else can move in here till someone else moves out. Sorry but we just are running out of rooms. Unless you can convince my roommate to let you share her room. (good luck)

I am still doing the whole Mary Kay thing which is taking longer to take off than I had hoped but I'm kicking my butt into gear and "getting out of my own way" as my directer tells me. I have new names and numbers and am gonna get out there and get more and get this going. My mom signed up as my first concultant and I have another woman who plans to sign up as soon as she can get the cash from her ex-hubby. My goals are the same even if they've been moved back a bit. I plan to get to directorship by the end of the year, as in debeuting first thing in January. And I've started taking steps that way to do so.

I hate Staples still. I mean I like the people I work with. I can even handle my managers most of the time. But it's retail and people are stupid and I have to deal with them in abaundance there.
I had a man come in yesterday who spoke very limited broken english and handed me his cell phone so that his friend on the other end of the line who also spoke very limited broken english could tell me what he wanted. From what I gathered he wanted an arrow table that was 6 mm long. Yes 6 mm he actually said that. I'm not sure what an arrow table is and I seriously doubt you only want a table that's six mm long... But how do you tell someone sorry but I have no fucking clue what you want? I don't mind immigrants or people who know other languages but IF you are not going to learn English please do not move to a town that is close to haveing no diviersity at all and where very few will be able to understand you. We have China town in a few different big cities and some of those cities are even affordable to live in.
And I had a woman a couple of days ago that came in wanting some pens we had on sale. I was on the register covering a lunch I couldn't leave said register as no one else was there to cover it. She asks me where the pens are and I tell her isle six. She goes over there and comes back with the right brand and style but not the exact pen set that was on sale. (you had to get the multi colored pack) she asked if those were the right ones, I checked the ad, they weren't, I told her so. She stared at me for a bit. She asked if we had them in stock and I told her I didn't know but I could page someone to help if she wanted me to. She just kind of stared at me with her other items on the counter. So I asked point blank...Do you want me to page someone over here for you? She said I don't know....while still standing there so I started to check out her items. We got to the end she paid and stepped to the side...then stared at me for a bit and asked So are you going to call someone to help me? *boggle* WTF? God I hate stupid people....she never bought the pens, I hope we were out.

On a bit brighter note as far as Staples goes. Yesterday I met a woman who I ended up offering a Mary Kay facial to because she seemed like my type of woman and we had chatted a bit while trying to find what she was looking for. She seems alot like the oldest of my sister-in-laws. Not quite the same but gave off that vibe. I can't put my finger on it exactly she just did. So I plan to call her today or tomorrow and set up an appoitnment. She said she doesn't wear makeup but everyone needs skincare. Plus...she seems the type I wouldn't mind getting to know past Mary Kay. *nods sincerly*

Well my hubby is up and I should go say hello.
Peace out *flashes some kind of sign that really doesn't mean anything*

yeah I know

Yeah I know it's been almost a month since I updated. I should try and stay on top of this but life has been relatively mundane lately. Till about two weeks ago. I have a friend from work, well kinda. I met her there but I don't actually work with her. Or I didn't...anyway she used to have my job at Staples. Then she left because she had her second kid and didn't want to work at Staples anymore. So she sells MaryKay now. We were talking she invited me to a facial and long story short. I now sell MaryKay. Or well I'm a consultant. I haven't actually sold anything yet, but I will! My goal is to become a director and allow S and I to both retire..or for me retire as much as I can while selling MaryKay. One of the directors I work with got her W-2's today and on commission alone last year she made over 89 thousand dollars. That's more than three times what S and I currently make annually combined. And she's only been doing this for six years. Not saying I will reach that level anytime soon but I should get pretty far pretty fast if I work hard enough at it which I fully intend to. Well that is my life update for now.

Sick

Being sick sucks ass. That is all.

Happy birthday to me

Meet Shoelace aka Lacy